(Excerpts from Go Metric: The First 250 Years - An Eighteen Disc CD-ROM Set)
January 16, 1919 - "Prohibition: YES! (But Only for the Lower Classes)"
With the long-awaited and much needed passage of the 18th Amendment, which seeks to ban the sale and consumption of alcohol in America, our nation, and Congress in particular, has finally come to its senses: mandated abstinence is an idea whose time has come. Let those on the lower rungs of society's ladder, those incapable of "handling their liquor," those half simians from Ireland and Italy, capable of performing only the most menial of tasks--on those rare occasions when they are sober--be freed from the curse that is alcohol. Yet allow us to set the record straight: do we intend to deny Mr. J.P. Morgan his nightly Rob Roy (which is taken for medicinal purposes)? Perish the thought. Do we wish to banish the claret from the table of the honorable Mr. Rockefeller? Heavens no.
Despite recent Bolshevik propaganda, we do not seek to deny pleasure to the working man, we simply wish to use the resources of government on all levels to assist the lower classes in their on-going efforts to control their baser impulses. Would you hand an infant a Colt .45 revolver? Certainly not, for he is incapable of handling such a device safely. Would you put into the hands of a Negro a refined musical instrument such as the saxophone? Of course not. We, ever the patient father to the immigrant child, seek merely to direct his attention away from spirit-soaked ribaldry (and related endeavors, such as gambling, fornicating, and the idolatry of the Roman Catholic Church) and toward more wholesome pursuits, such as the character-building, 72-hour work week.
To the keen sobriety of those lined up at 4:00 AM outside the gates of our nation's finest factories--whom we observe so readily from the window of the Gentlemen Players' Club, after another night of high stakes whist or faro--we raise our glasses. Let the clear-sighted thinking of this moral victory stand in stark contrast to the utter lunacy of the proposed 19th Amendment. What is the point of allowing women to vote when they, lacking the innate capacity to reason possessed by men, shall merely echo their husbands' sagacious votes? Give girlish flappers suffrage and it will surely be the nation itself that suffers!
Coming soon: "JFK: Fidelity = Success in Marriage"