Go Metric

Fools’ Hall Of Fame

by Gary Pig Gold

While those arbitrators of all things rock and roll once again indoctrinated more of their own on behalf of what remains of the music industry several weeks ago, I decided to virtually canvas some of MY musical heroes with one simple, or perhaps not so simple question:

Why on Earth is PAT BOONE still not in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame?

Phil Kaufman, Road Mangler Deluxe
Pat Boone? Pop Hall Of Fame …or the White Buck Shoe Hall. But NEVER Rock ‘n’ Roll!  (P.S.: Where is the “ROADIE Hall”?)

R. Stevie Moore, DIY home recording iconoclast (whose father Bobby actually attended East Nashville High School with Pat!)
Yes! Debate irrelevant... 50 hits, reason enough!

I've been knowed to be WRONG! (But not very often!!!)

Carol Kaye, Bassist on many of the Greatest Records Ever Made
I think that Pat Boone should be inducted in the RRHOF because, regardless of who he supposedly "copied" or tried to "sound like," he did something no other singer of his time did:  He brought pop-rock into the mainstream of music, in a pretty good way I'd say. 

P.S.: I played guitar (and then bass later) on many of his things. He was doing stuff back then that the ordinary pop singer didn't do at all.

Jeff Tamarkin, who just helped Howard Kaylan write his “Shell Shocked” memoir
Of course not, but I don't believe James Taylor should've been either. Neither one is a rock ‘n’ roll singer.    

Stephanie Chernikowski,  world-renowned photographer (…who actually once received a kiss from the PRE-ARMY Elvis!!)  
Absolutely not. He is not rock ‘n’ roll.

Bob Brainen, WFMU-FM
It's all relative, and there are people nominated and selected that have less to do with rock ‘n’ roll than him. As far as his place in the scheme of things, he was someone who watered down rock ‘n’ roll, but I enjoy some of his records, so I'd say YES.

For one, he put out a great record produced by Terry Melcher called “Beach Girl” in ‘64 (written by Melcher and Bruce Johnston, who also did backing vocals). The flip side was “Little Honda.”

Peter Noone, the Artist formerly known as Herman
Hmmmm.

If he is inducted before Davy Jones and Tommy Lasorda, who surely are more to do with rock ‘n’ roll than Pat Boone, I will make Little Jimmy Osmond the editor of “Q Magazine.”

Mike McDowell, “Blitz” Magazine
Does Pat Boone belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Absolutely!

Joel Selvin, San Francisco Chronicle
I've heard Boone on this subject – the popularizer vs. the innovator – and while he's right about the significance of the popularizer, his records were too god awful to last. I'm sorry, his "Tutti Frutti" doesn't hold up, while Bill Haley's "Rip It Up" may out-rock Little Richard (boo! heresy!). 

I say vote for Fabian. When it comes to phony rock and rollers, he's the real deal.

Jon Sievert, Humble Press
NEVER! Pat Boone was the ultimate anti-rock ‘n’ roll figure, created by record companies for the sole purpose of shielding white America from the likes of Fats and Little Richard while ripping them off.

And his music really sucked, which should be the ultimate criteria for determining worthiness.

Irwin Chusid, “Songs In The Key Of Z”
I have a DEFINITE opinion on the matter.

The answer, by the way, is Yes. 

Domenic Priore, Sunset Strip historian
No. Unless Phil Collins gets in. Because they are equals.

Mark Johnson, Cold Weather musician
Pat Boone was a more relaxed actor than Elvis Presley (let’s put that adult contemporary smooth temperament to good use) – more at ease on camera and he could deliver his lines without making you feel like he knew he was on all the time – which unfortunately was how I perceived Elvis in most of his films.

Why are we talking about Rock and Roll when we could be talking about a lifetime achievement award for Journey to the Center of the Earth? 

Brett Milano, Bosstown journalist
Yes, but only by virtue of that cocktail version of "Stairway to Heaven" he did a few years ago.

Phil Angotti, a man of Life and Rhymes
No, absolutely not. He doesn't have a rock ‘n’ roll bone (boone) in his body.

Mick Farren, original Deviant
My first instinct was no, never:  It would be an insult to Little Richard. RICHARD Boone did more for rock ‘n’ roll as far as I'm concerned. 

But then I thought, yeah, why not? It only shows the RRHOF as the dumb hype tourist trap farce it really is. 

Induct everyone! Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks, One String Sam, Frank Stallone, The Big Bopper. I mean, where's Syd Barrett, or Roky Erickson, and did they ever get round to Gene Vincent?

I can't even keep up with the self congratulatory nonsense. It's the Paul Shaffer world and I don't go there.

Karl Ikola, Anopheles Records
I did listen to my mother's Pat Boone 45 singles as a little single digit lad in the very early '70s, but I can't say I particularly liked them even then, even before I had taste : )

Kim Cooper, still Lost In The Grooves
When I was fifteen, the headmaster of my freaky new age alternative school somehow arranged that his students would appear on Pat Boone's Christian cable show.

As all of the other kids and teachers were desperate to be televised, I was unable to get out of joining this group at the taping, which took place in Pat's large suburban tract home high above the Sepulveda Pass – in a street of houses notorious for having been built atop improperly sealed landfill! 

There was no way in the world that I was going to appear on a Christian TV show hosted by someone who had turned vital '50s rock ’n’ roll into namby-pamby candyfloss, and I was saying as much to my pal Chris when Pat ambled over to ask why we weren't with the other kids. I'm pretty sure he heard enough of my screed to get the point, but he was extremely gracious and we reciprocated.

Chris and I sat out the taping, remarking that Pat didn't seem like such a bad guy, really. I don't think he belongs in the Hall of Fame, but then many of the past inductees don't either, and his entry would at least inspire debate.

His fifties' recordings presumably generated royalties for some deserving folks and helped ease the mass acceptance of rock songwriting. I haven't felt the need to demonize Pat Boone since the day he played it so cool with a couple of snotty kids. And you gotta admit, that heavy metal phase was a hoot.

Ian Whitcomb, Ragtime Raconteur and one-time Father of Irish Rock 
I'm assuming by your tone that you assume most rocksters to have nothing but contempt for Pat Boone. But I have always liked his music and the man himself.

In fact, I have very fond memories of his version of “Love Letters In The Sand,” since it was to his record that I received my very first kiss from a teenager called Debbie Briggs in a punt (that's a low flat-bottomed boat) on a man-made lake at an upper-class holiday resort in East Anglia, England in 1957. Needless to say, I was a teenager, too. And what a kiss it was! Sent tingles all over me and I've never had an experience as intense since. Boone’s record was what got her going.

What these silly myopic rocksters don’t understand is that Boone was a crooner in the great tradition of crooners, going back to the 1920s. And the mellifluous and comforting voices of the best crooners will continue to spread contentment long after the noxious caterwauling of the Dylans have been buried in a black hole.

During MY rock ‘n’ roll period I appeared as a guest on The Pat Boone Show, where I sang “You Turn Me On” to my uke accompaniment. Then I handed the uke to Pat who proceeded to strum and sing “Love Letters In The Sand” while Soupy Sales and I provided a tasteful doo-wop backing noise. I told Pat the story of the kiss. He seemed impressed at the time. I have this show on film to prove that I'm not lying. I've been known to invent, you know, but this was for real.

I'm sorry Boone decided to go heavy metal, thus denying his impeccable wasp background.  Somebody must stand up for pure white traditions and if it has to be me, so be it.

Chad Stuart, Chad & Jeremy
WHY PAT BOONE SHOULD NOT BE INDUCTED INTO THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME:

Because he didn't make a genuine contribution to the art form.

Because he made records which were a pale imitation of the genuine article.

Because he never poured his heart and soul into his recordings.

Because he was a pop singer, and they don't count.

(The "pop" hall of fame, maybe.)

Henny de Pater, Dutch Country D.J. Association
Will, or Must, Pat Boone be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Why not?? 

Like Elvis, he did a lot of sweet ballads. My old girlfriend loved that warm and tender voice, and by telling her that Pat Boone was my favorite too (but then, what I didn’t tell her was I was really a Rocker at heart!), I scored many points and left other guys, who were after that same girl, far far behind me.

That’s why "good old" Pat ought to be inducted:  So that other people won’t forget him either.

The Stomp Is Gone

by Gary Pig Gold

“Yeah, right,” I can see some of you foreigners sneering right about now: “What the hell good ever come out of Canada?!!” 

Well, besides the (very early) Guess Who, SCTV, and of course Young Neil, for seventy-seven years there roamed across the Great Wide Northlands a man, a myth – dare I say, a LEGEND who cast a long, black, yet somehow barely perceptible shadow over every guitar lasher who means a half hoot on either side of the dreaded U.S. / Canada border. A man who possessed a wicked tongue, beaver-sharp mind, commanding left leg and, above all, a wit and wisdom before which few others dare even stand, let alone deserve to approach.

That man, that myth, and/or that legend was, and forever shall be…

Stompin’ Tom Connors. 

WHO?

Paul Williams? Still Alive!!

by Gary Pig Gold

I first became aware of the man in 1970, as composer of what to this very day remains my absolute favorite Three Dog Night tune, “Out In The Country.”

Then, in the years to follow, that same man would somehow become downright ubiquitous upon the 25 living-color inches of the family RCA XL-100. On variety and game shows galore, on The Tonight Show of course (forty-eight times!), even trying to murder Police Woman Angie Dickinson. All as some form of mutant, leisure-suited hybrid of David Cassidy and adorable Cousin Oliver.  

Then, as did most pre-punk cultural icons in the immediate wake of that first Ramones album, Paul Williams seemed to vanish overnight from the audio/visual airwaves; a figment, perhaps, of our Top Forty, prime time past; an aberration, beloved as it may have been, from antiquated, tube-powered memory.

What defiantly remained however, losing not one single iota of their insidious appeal in all these decades since, was his string of perfectly crafted, instantly and forever recognized pure pop chestnuts – “We’ve Only Just Begun,” “Evergreen,” “Rainy Days and Mondays,” the Love Boat and Boy in the Plastic Bubble themes for example; need I cite any more? – which still have the innate power to bore deep within our craniums and keep us shimmying, boogieing, or at least grinning into infinity. Why, he even constructed the, um, “so close to terrible and yet somehow believable” songs for Ishtar’s dynamic Beatty and Hoffman duo: "It was one of the best jobs I've ever had in my life. I've never had more fun on a picture, but I've never worked harder." 

Fun and bubble boys aside though, it looked, and certainly sounded as if this wealth of utterly brilliant four-minute, five-chord monuments to the middle of the road were all that would remain of Paul Williams’ legacy; perhaps even his epitaph.

Until, that is, a man named Stephen Kessler arose.

A through-and-through true child of the Seventies (“I still get excited when I see the words Hungry Man TV Dinner!”) who was raised in the cathode shadow of Danny Partridge twenty-six feet from the Long Island Rail Road – and to this day unabashedly claims he always wanted to be Paul Williams – Stephen decided to go one giant step further than simply wondering where his idol went. He picked up a camera, assembled a film crew, and hit the asphalt in search of his “friend from the television.”

The result is a truly touching, yet at times emotionally gut-wrenching documentary that really could only be called Paul Williams: Still Alive, newly available on DVD from Virgil Films. In oh so many ways it is a story of fame from a “morning after” perspective, yes, but with a (gasp) happy ending. I mean, after all, we are talking about the man who taught Kermit how to find the “Rainbow Connection.”

And therein’s not only the rub, but the proverbial key to Still Alive’s impact and success as a film. Forgoing the typical confrontational guerilla style of a Michael Moore or TMZ, Kessler approaches his subject first with wonderment – at the 2006 “Phantompalooza” Festival in Winnipeg, one of only two cities in the world, the other bring Paris, where the Brian De Palma / Paul Williams epic Phantom Of The Paradise was a box office smashapalooza. But then we watch that wonder turn to curiosity, soon enough respect, and ultimately not so much empathy or even sympathy as an understanding with and obvious kinship for his subject matter. 

Equally as curious was Paul Williams’ sudden decision, after filming had already begun, to go ALL the way, cinematically and otherwise and bring Steve, with lens, totally into his life and world for nigh on five entire years. A world which in many ways, good and bad – mainly good, though – is much, much different today than it was back in those glory years spent collaborating with De Palma and The Muppets …or mired deep within the Battle for the Planet of the Apes for that matter. 

“We’ll make it The Paulie and Steve Show!” the former, in true Little Enos Burdette bravado, insisted after bonding with Kessler one day over garlic pepper squid at Thai House Express. In a “keep your enemies closer” mode, perhaps? Whatever the cases may be, there goes a newly emboldened Steve, following his subject backstage, eavesdropping on him checking e-mails and doing throat exercises from hotel hallways, and ultimately becoming a quite unwilling participant on Paul’s especially harrowing post-9/11 tour of the Philippines, which is indeed every bit as Apocalypse Now as it is “An Old Fashioned Love Song.” “Safe and scenic, safe and scenic,” the local promoter continually insists upon packing all involved onto a six-hour bus haul through the treacherous – especially according to U.S. State Department warnings – Mindanao jungle between gigs. But once safely back on a California golf course a few weeks later, for all his terror-fuelled troubles, Stephen is rewarded with an actual sleep-over chez Williams! That includes bed and breakfast. 

Then, later, the motherlode: Paul actually lets his chronicler loose in a storage locker filled with memorabilia including over 600 hours of VHS tape. Then lets him take home, and USE, anything he wants.

Stretching all the way back to Paul’s on-screen debut in 1965 as a twenty-four-year-old child actor alongside Jonathan Winters in The Loved One, that exhumed footage, as fascinating and kitschily coated as much of it may be, honestly never once manages to overwhelm or even upstage the sight of the renewed, revitalized 21st Century Williams. No, The Paulie and Steve Show more than holds its own against vintage clips from Bugsy Malone or even Baretta, such is the unmistakable, undeniable buddy-charm which “director” and “star” grow between them as Still Alive spins out its rollercoasting eighty-four minutes.

Cue “You and Me Against The World,” and fade to Bonus Footage.

P.S.: And if you haven’t gathered as much already, I’m most pleased to report our unflappable hero remains happy, healthy, and ultra-productive to this very day. Since 2009 Paul has guilelessly served as President and Chairman of the Board of ASCAP, keeps his own songwriting chops sharp (on the Scissor Sisters and Richard Barone, for example) while proudly keeping his goldies alive on stage (with Craig Ferguson just the other week), is at this moment co-writing a book based on, in his own careful words, “gratitude and trust” (“the two rails my choo-choo runs on”), continues the good fight to get Phantom Of The Paradise mounted at long last upon the Broadway stage, and graciously savors each and every sincere and loving “heart payment” he receives back from folks both known and unknown the world over – yes, even deep within the Filipino jungle – in recognition of his beautifully sculpted, musical lyrical body of work.

See? I told you this story has a happy ending! 

Or, as the man himself explains, “I didn’t have the best childhood, but I had the longest.” Words to remain Still Alive to, yessir, for lovers, dreamers, you and me.

Twelve You May Have Missed In 2012

by Gary Pig Gold

Those Beach Boys and Rolling Stones weren’t the only septuagenarian rockers celebrating 50th (give or take) Anniversaries over the past twelve-or-so months, absolutely not. Just about each and every singer/songwriter/guitarist still standing – well, those with lucratively deep catalogs ripe and ready for recycling, that is – had multiple multi-media packages (and, in the Stones’ case, four-figure-plus concert tickets) competing for what remained of a loyal boomer’s nest egg throughout 2012.

So should you feel so inclined, unless you’re still busy searching for the real Bob Dylan via David Dalton’s Book Of The Year “Who Is That Man?” that is, may I wholeheartedly suggest Going Metric with: 

Gary’s 2012 Top Twelve (in no particular order, by the way)

by Gary Pig Gold

BOB DYLAN
Tempest
www.bobdylan.com

Well, it certainly provides the Perfect soundtrack to the Man/the Legend's latest Rolling Stone interview, for starters. Neat "Duquesne Whistle" video, too.

NEIL YOUNG 
Psychedelic Pill
www.neilyoung.com

2012 was an admittedly slow year for forever-young Neil: only two albums, one film, one autobiography, one death scare (this one c/o NBC News!) and one ear-boggling audio format. Still.

EDGAR BREAU  
Patches Of Blue
www.edgarbreau.com

Another veteran, long-lasting Canucklehead, Edgar spent his own Zuma years flying the proto-legendary Simply Saucer, landing today with precisely the kind of funk blue folk amalgam which continues to elude, for one, Robbie Robertson. Instead, Edgar’s textural Patches swirl steadily up and down the roadways and railways of North America via Michael J. Birthelmer’s nuanced yet nutty production/arrangement, managing even to take 3:17 out for a reasonably alt. bossa nova along the way.   

DAVID GRAHAME AND LANE STEINBERG 
Grahame Steinberg
http://www.davidgrahame.com
www.lanesteinberg.com

David Grahame = was Paul in the Broadway production of “Beatlemania”

Lane Steinberg = was one of “three teenage Jews attempting to remake With The Beatles in Miami in 1982” with his band The Wind (according to Victim Of Time dot com)

David = has opened for Elvis Costello and The Pretenders

Lane = has covered Henry Mancini and The Mothers of Invention

David = co-wrote “To Be With You” with Mister Big

Lane = co-wrote – and recorded! – an entire album with R. Stevie Moore

David = some of his songs have been on “Party of Five,” “Ed,” “Providence” and “Dawson’s Creek”

Lane = some of his songs have been on Maria Bartiromo, Condoleezza Rice, Lindsey Buckingham’s beard and Puffy’s handgun

David = once turned down a deal with Atlantic Records (who wanted to make him “another David Cassidy”)

Lane = once recorded the definitive version of “I Think I Love You”

Grahame Steinberg = one of the undoubtedly twelve best of 2012 I have heard...and the same will go for you.

THE BEACH BOYS 
That’s Why God Made The Radio
www.thebeachboys.com

Wherein the Universe's oldest boys reunite atop an old Bond theme (and some state-of-the-audio/visual slight-of-ear).

...which reminds me,

Be Sure to check out These guys as well: http://surfschooldropouts.bandcamp.com

CHRIS RICHARDS AND THE SUBTRACTIONS 
Get Yer La La’s Out
www.chrisrichardsandthesubtractions.com

And speaking of Brian’s Boys, two of those other much-revered retro-“B” icons (as in Big Star via Badfinger) are instantly conjured as Chris’ latest and greatest kicks straight up into a solid half-hour of beaty, BIG, and bouncy P-pop. A special Gary Pig tip-o-the-virtual-snout must go as well to GYLLsO producer David Feeny, who records the Subtractions’ six-strings with a raw stinging power unheard since the storied days of Tim Boykin’s Lolas …not to mention Steve Jones’ Bollock-ing of yore.

BIG BOY PETE 
Cold Turkey
www.bigboypete.com

Of the song “Cold Turkey” (no, not the fine Plastic Ono 45) (or even the Dick Van Dyke movie), may I quote this disc’s liner notes: “Cold Turkey was recorded in 1968 at Pete Miller’s home-studio on Margetson Avenue in Norwich, England on a Bang & Olufsen Beocord 2000 tape-recorder running at a tape speed of 3 3/4 i.p.s. The dominating snare reverb came from the reverb unit for a Farfisa organ. Vocals were sung through a Shure 726 ‘Elvis mic’ and also a Reslo ribbon mic. The WW2 air-raid shelter in Pete’s garden served as the echo chamber”...and that’s just ONE of the dozen vintage Big Boy beauts you should hear herein!

RICK HARPER 
Turn It Down, Richard Lee!
www.rickenharper.com

Meanwhile, bravely home-recording on the other side of the planet, here’s yet another slyly sonic, all-singing, sometimes stinging self-confessional from the One and Only Rickenharper; a friendly Ghost on the Canvas...along with a thin wild "We're In The Money" that even hearing isn't quite believing!

ALAN CLAYSON 
One Dover Soul
www.alanclayson.com

One terrific sonic stew of Syd, Eric’s SanFran Animals, indelible String Band, eclectic Prunes, prehistoric Unit Four + 2, Love ‘n’ Fugs, Gainsbourg and Hazlewood, some Varèse even, all beautifully buoyed by Alan’s never-fearing lyrical-slash-melodic munificence. P.S.: and guitarist/engineer/producer Wreckless Eric herein has never sounded so… well, wreckless!  

THE DOUGHBOYS 
Shakin’ Our Souls
www.thedoughboysnj.com

The don’t-ever-be-fooled-by-imitations New Jersey Doughboys resolutely enter their second half-century making the kind of utterly joyous noise even Raider rough-houser Mark Lindsay can’t help but contribute liner notes (not to mention sax!) to.

BILL LLOYD 
Boy King Of Tokyo
www.billlloydmusic.net

Honestly, after an entire year spent listening — and listening — to this latest Best Record Ever by Nashville's greatest, the only thing I could possibly fault, if pressed, would be the misspelling of Marcia Brady's given name on the enclosed press sheet. But, by 2013, I'll be ready to forgive even that.

PETE TOWNSHEND  
Who I Am  (the audio book) (unabridged, I'll have you know)
www.petetownshend.com

yes, All 15 ( ! ) discs; all 19 ( !! ) hours of it ....no, Really !!!

A Brotherly Christmas

by Gary Pig Gold

Yes indeed, it goes without saying that Brian Wilson and his familial band have enjoyed a career quite unlike any other across the cuckoo annals of show business.

Scoring a local hit in 1961 straight off the mark with their very first little indie single, then soon after placing a sophomore release into no less than the hallowed Billboard Hot 100 – and all at a time when the majority of the guys still had to be home in time to attend class the next morning – The Beach Boys, it could be argued, really started their marathon run at the very tip-top, suicidally crash-dove towards oblivion a few short years later, and only then slowly but surely began their struggle up the ladder of ever-lasting fame, fortune and, ultimately, all-American glory …and just finished touring the globe promoting a new (!!) hit album, need I remind anyone.

The Monkees Present

by Gary Pig Gold

It may have taken me over forty years, but on June 16, 2011 I finally got to see one of my all-time favorite rock ‘n’ roll bands in concert.

Ten Reasons to Immediately Watch Bachman & Turner Live at the Roseland Ballroom, NYC

by Gary Pig Gold

Elvis May Have Died on August 16, but Scott Asheton was Born on August 16

by Gary Pig Gold

As the opening credits of this MVD Visual DVD state, (and I quote), "On September 3, 2010, Iggy and the Stooges performed Raw Power live in Monticello, New York. Six fans filmed the concert and interviewed Iggy and the Stooges after the show."

Really then! A concept so crystalline in both its simplicity and beauty – much like Iggy himself, one such as myself could argue. But the result is mountains above and beyond the ultimate DIY epic for Generation YouTube: What we have here is a real-time and, of course, real LOUD (thanks in no small part to the work of audio recordist Max Bisgrove) down 'n' dirty antidote to all those precious Jonathan Demme-style concert films regularly being awarded art-house praises and prizes.

Raw Power Live: In The Hands Of The Fans is in fact, with all apologies to The TAMI Show, the best on-screen rendering of rock 'n' roll I have ever seen.

Is Paul McCartney Really Going To Be 70 Years Old This Month?

by Gary Pig Gold

In the summer of 2005, a package arrived at the Hollywood offices of Highway 61 Entertainment from London with no return address. Inside were two mini-cassette audio tapes dated December 30, 1999 and labeled The Last Testament of George Harrison.

A voice eerily similar to Harrison's tells a shocking story: Paul McCartney was killed in a car crash in November of 1966 and replaced with a double!
 British intelligence, MI5, had forced the Beatles to cover up McCartney’s death to prevent mass suicides of Beatle fans. However, the remaining Beatles tried to signal fans with clues on album covers and in songs.

Until now, the “Paul Is Dead” mystery that exploded worldwide in 1969 was considered a hoax. However, in the film Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison, the mysterious voice on the tapes reveals a secret Beatles history, chronicling McCartney’s fatal accident, the cover up, dozens of unknown clues, and a dangerous cat and mouse game with “Maxwell,” the Beatles' MI5 handler, as John Lennon became increasingly reckless with the secret. The voice also claims that Lennon was assassinated in 1980 after he threatened to finally expose “Paul McCartney” as an imposter!

Highway 61 Entertainment has investigated this stunning new account of the conspiracy to hide McCartney’s tragic death and produced this unauthorized documentary that includes newly unearthed evidence. The mysterious voice on the audio tapes narrates the entire film in what may prove to be the most important document in rock and roll history, leaving little doubt that PAUL McCARTNEY REALLY IS DEAD!

Nevertheless, as undoubtedly and forevermore convincing as this stunning film may certainly be, yours quite truly has in fact gone totally metric to fearlessly uncover, believe them or not...

Ten More Reasons Paul is Really, Really Dead

1. Give My Regards To Broad Street (…especially the movie).
   
   
2. James Paul McCartney (the real one) was born in Walton Hospital, Liverpool, on the 18th of June, 1942. Numerically, that makes him a Number 6. However, the sixth song on the album Beatles 6, “Words Of Love,” was in fact composed by Buddy Holly, who died not only on the third of February, 1959, but stipulated in his last testament that all posthumous, universal rights to his publishing catalog be granted in perpetuity to none other than JAMES PAUL McCARTNEY for the nominal fee of… two hundred and fifteen thousand dollars (U.S.)
   
   
3. When spoken backwards, the title of the 2006 Paul McCartney classical album Ecce Cor Meum is MUEM ROC ECCE.
   
   
4. Paul McCartney’s first fiancé, the actress and cake decorator Jane Asher, most recently appeared on British television in the comedy series The Old Guys. Its first season theme song was composed by the Scottish poet/humorist Ivor Cutler who, in 1967, was actually hired by the fake Paul McCartney to portray bus conductor Buster Bloodvessel in the Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour. Buster, in one of the film’s most truly disturbing of many such sequences, is seated at a restaurant table alongside Ringo’s auntie Jessie as she is being served shovels full of stale, flaccid spaghetti by none other than… JOHN LENNON.
   
   
5. Throughout the Beatles Anthology “bonus” material featuring Threetles Ringo, George and “Paul” sitting and reminiscing over ukuleles together, George is constantly seen being painfully condescending to (when not ignoring altogether, that is) none other than… PAUL McCARTNEY.
   
   
6. When you hold a hand mirror beneath the title written across the top of The Beatles’ Second Album jacket, you have to be very careful not to tilt the cover too much to the right, otherwise the record itself will fall out of its sleeve and most likely become soiled and possibly even permanently damaged by coming in contact with the floor below.
   
   
7. “I haven’t spoken with Paul in several weeks now myself”:  RINGO STARR, Press Conference, Fallsview Casino, Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, June 23, 2010.
   
   
8. Everyone, from producer George Martin on down, seems to agree that the Beatles’ 1968 double-length White Album should have been shortened by at least fifty-per-cent. But nobody to this day – including EITHER Paul McCartney – can agree on exactly which songs to cut!
   
   
9. Throughout the 1999 Nitin Sawhney remix of the Fireman single “Fluid (Out Of Body),” an electronically-altered tape loop of a voice sounding strangely like that of Percy “Thrills” Thrillington can be heard saying, over and over, “Fluid (Out Of Body) doesn’t really mean Fluid Out Of Body, as in Fluid pouring Out Of somebody’s Body – presumably mine – like the Bodily Fluids, mainly blood, which supposedly poured out of my body when I was decapitated and left to look like a walrus during a horrific car crash late on the rainy night of November 9, 1966 after I angrily stormed out of a Beatles recording session following a heated debate with John Lennon over why I wasn’t allowed to perform on the track ‘She Said She Said’ …REALLY!”
   
   
10. Had the real James Paul McCartney still been alive, the makers of Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison would certainly have already heard from his solicitors.