Faced with mounting concerns regarding inappropriate cafeteria behavior, Glenwood Elementary School, in White Plains, NY, has hired legendary samuari, Kambei Shimada.
"The kids were too loud. They were throwing their garbage on the floor. It was mayhem," said Glennwood principal Mark Fenster. "Parents were upset. Teachers were unhappy. We needed a new approach: the way of the bushido."
Fresh from the legendary but ultimately futile fight with the forty bandits, Shimada was welcomed with open arms by the Glenwood staff. "He's so good with the kids," said fellow lunch staff member Angie Bickell, "just last Tuesday one of our first graders, who has a tinkling problem, was running to the bathroom for like the tenth time that day, didn't even ask to get up. Kambei just looked at him and said, 'Brendan-san, to tinkle is also not to tinkle.' The boy stays in his seat all through lunch now, like the serene enlightened one he has become."
Mr. Shimada moved to the White Plains area a year ago when his wife took a job at the Manhattan branch of the Bank of Tokyo.
"He's a little hasty to offer ritual suicide as a solution, but we're pleased with his performance," added vice principal Kip Arlin. "In fact, last week he and six other samuari, helped our second graders defend their kickball title against Taft Elementary. Those guys could have easily cut the Taft kids to little pieces, literally, instead they brought our kids together as a team. With our budget problems we could only offer them lunch meat as payment, but they worked hard. Harder than some of our tenured staff. We're thinking of using samuari for our music and art programs, too."
Response from parents has been largely positive. Madeline Lyons, whose son is in fourth grade, was skeptical at first. "The talk in the parking lot was that Mr. Shimada would become a masterless ronin, but then Zachary, who hates writing, wrote this essay about the harmonious aura of the buddha. My husband and I didn't really understand it, but we didn't have to fight about homework that night."
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